My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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