I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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