Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
