I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
