So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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