I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
