my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
