its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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