my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
