Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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