genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i think i have two assholes
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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