Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
