He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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