Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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