I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
