I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it wasn't lemon gatorade
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
