you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
