Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
