shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
