I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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