i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
