Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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