you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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