that's an acceptable place to lick
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I need to align my fucking chakras
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
