onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
