I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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