i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
