there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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