I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
love makes seman taste better
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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