you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
