paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
