He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did i walk over a car last night?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize