I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
