Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
