Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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