he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I love you. Go after that dick
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize