My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
