I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
