I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
