I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
