Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
