He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
