Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I woke up under a house in Key West
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