Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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