Is it normal to miss your booty call?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
