oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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