You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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