why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
