I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
