apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We were destined to go to rehab together
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
