If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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