You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
