Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
