we have officially lost it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
