3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
