You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
