Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
