Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Randomize
