woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
