you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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