Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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