Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
